it was a TIRING and SAD day.. started our BGS proj in the morn at 10am.. and we were still lost on dunno what to do.. esp me and joyce.. (2 super slackers) .. and after watching 4 grps presentation, no doubt it really adds on damn lot of stress on us.. every grp have video.. we muz also have.... so how? haha think the only thing that me and joyce manage to complete today is to get the interview of my mum done! think it wasnt as easy as we think. shujun is best, she have been doing all the work.. and realise that she nv read yf blog b4! so we r showing her some of the fun things on her blog and suggest her to look thr it for destressment.. hahha

after dinner, after i sent joyce to mrt stat and back. i m suppose to go bathe, however dunno y i saw JP and juz wanted to tell him that i juz sent joyce to mrt stat and tat she will be online soon.. something like telling her bf like that, i admit... and we end up talking abt a lot of things.. and as usual i am trying to drop more hints and also trying to get hints from him... but tonight he seems diff! he told me a lot.. he even tell me that he got someone in mind.. not joyce.. (that is REALLY SAD..) but its his ex! hai~ y guys like to obsess with their prev relationships? then he also keep stressing himself that he is not interested in a romance now.. by that time, i somehow feel that he seems to know that joyce like him.. without me saying anything.. i thot he is dense, as wat joyce also commented.. so i dun really suspect anything.. but i can confirm is that joyce is not having a good chance anymore.. and i was wondering shld i break out this news to her.. this is so damn sad lah!

and heres the worst thing...... when joyce come online, JP go and tell her that i have ask a lot of qn... and ask her is the mr. nice guy is him..... omg... this JP... how can he do that?? but knowing that he act have another person in mind, think we juz got to be cruel.. i advise joyce to deny... which is opposing her real thoughts.. and she cried.. i feel really guilty about it.. i dunno what to do.. at that instance, i think my thots are juz luan as her.. although she say she dun blame me.. but i still feeling guilty, even till now.. i mean.. i juz experience this kinda things like last week.. and i fully understand how she feels.. now she cant really chat as freely as it was liao.. i am the culprit...

joyce, i really dunno what i shld say...... all i could say is SORRY.....

My crush dun care abt me.. shld i give up?? this is my msn nick for today.. lingxin said that isnt my nick very obvious? haha so what?? joyce and yanfang also similar nick as me.. joyce is "My crush's goin round and round..shd i end it? hmm.." and yf is "My crush is tied down, shld i give up?" so funny...

went for worship prac tonight..haiz tonight dun have mingwei, dun have yun yuan, dun have jieying.. so all those live in sengkang one not here.. meaning i dun have to sent anyone home.. but the most jialat thing is tat Mr A is here.. so end up need to send him to the mrt station.. juz me and him alone in the car.. so wierd..

today i keep having a thot.. a concept.. that since he dun care for me, dun love me.. watever.. even though he knew that i like him long ago.. i shld have harden my heart.. and do that to him too... so i started to block him on msn.. dun wanna talk to him anymore... and throughout the prac, i have been avoiding eye contact with him.. and give him the coldest side of me.. ignoring him... he ask me something, i will say tell u later.. like bit rude.. hai so sad.. then on the car, he was telling me that he is looking for a second hand keyboard, and ask me if i have any lo bangs.. so i juz ying chou ying chou say will look out for him.. but actually i really dun wanna talk to him...

so when i got home, as usual on my msn.. and when he came online, was thinking that i should unblock him and let him see me nick and see if he would ask me anything about my nick.. cos as usual we always learn ba guas of the church ppl from each other.. so my nick sounds like some ba guas.. haiz and as usual.. he wont talk to me.. after awhile, i feel that maybe i shld block and unblock him again, let him see my nick one more time.. and i did that in an interval of about 30 mins.. also din manage to get his attention... then in the meanwhile, i was looking through yahoo classifeds.. wat the hell i am doing??? din i say i shouldnt care so much for him.. its his keyboard wat.. y u care.. juz leave him alone.. haiz but i would juz go on searching... i am so useless..

today i am in a really foul mood.. i also dunno what happen to myself.. but i definitely know that i am thinking a lot of things again today..
was chatting with huijuan in the morning.. so i asked her if she had talked to Mr A re my embarassing event.. well, so she said that she will not do anything, cos i din say anything as well... but i ask her for advice.. should i juz treat it as if nothing had happen?? is it the correct thing to do? and she replied me.. "if u wan to talk it out once and for all at this time, it will be good to make use of this event. if u prefer to just let it be as how it used to be and see how things go, then be mum abt it..." omg, once and for all.. this is so sad.. meaning that there will be absolutely no chance liao... and juan next replied impact me even more ... "if it really is no more chance, the sooner u know it the better it is, no?".. and this keeps me thinking the whole day..
this made me think of some severe outcomes i am going to face.. remember theres a lot of times in the past, i wanted so much to confess, i juz love him so much... but in the end held back.. not cos i am scare of being rejected and thus losing pride.. but is bcos i am afraid of losing my "only friend" in my fellowship.. everytime when i wanted so much to confess, i would think.. what if after that, we wont share our troubles and worries on tuan qi and xiao zhu?? and my only one person whom i can confide with regarding to zhuzhangs troubles is also gone?? all this would prevent me from getting out the first steps.. i really cant imagine, if my only way of letting out my worries also gone, then what would have become of me? so now i am worrying.. tmr how to face him during prac? thot i already got over it yest, but dunno y it came back again today.. and i even thinking of dropping zhuzhang post, and changin church etc.. but some person say i am silly...
then somemore, in the afternoon.. i was quite moody, so click on someone to chat.. so click on *** and as we chat, i tease him being close with another person cos they seems very close in class today... and i end up being "nagged" by him.. and i end up very.. is very pissed with him, cos what he say is like so sacastic.. i was so pissed to the extend , i blocked him.. for the very first time, i blocking pple.. juz wanna shut his mouth.. and dun wanna talk to him.. despite that we are actually quite close friends.. however my foul mood today really make me double the pissness..
but then again, i block him on msn, think he know cos icq he can see me, and he posted an apology on icq to me.. since he apologise liao, so just forgive him and unblock him...
however, it seems like i am getting hook to blocking pple.. i decided to block one person.. the one i love the most.. but also hate the most.. i decided to block Mr A.. dun wanna talk to him.. i decided to block him for 1 week.. see how it goes.. but seriously i dun think it will change anything... and tmr night still gotta see him in church.. this is so frustrating!!

ok.. i juz back from NTU.. i went ntu again.. this time is cos got fish leong concert.. lingxin so nice.. queue so long for the tics and gave me the other tics she got...
first time hear her concert, and first time when to ntu auditorium..so big...
the admission time is actually 6pm, and the concert start at 7pm.. but we went for dinner first, so in the end we only go at 6.40.. and we are all amazed by the length of the queue we saw... at first i wasnt shock cos i got no idea how long is it.. but luckily later lingxin manage to contact her friends who are queuing quite in front.. so we sent 2 person to go and see whether can "cut queue" or not.. well it works! so the rest of us also went over.. but we are advised to go by the right side of the queue, cos all the helpers is on the left side.. watching over us, making sure that no one cut queue.. but we dunno.. and we juz join in from the left side.. cos right side is very squeezy.. when we join in the queue, lingxin friends was telling us.. oh how come come in from the left.. so dangerous.. haha and u know wat? i excercised my rights of a so-what club member.. and i said so-what??
well, although we are now in a queue that is consider quite front liao, compare to the one we had.. but in the end we are still shock to see the amount of pple in the auditorium.. there are hardly any empty seats liao.. so the user advice us to sit on the stairs instead.. the stairs view is good.. cos we are at the upper level of the audi, and since we are the first to sit at the steps, we got the most infront steps.. those nearest to the stage.. and this is when we cutted queue.. wonder where are we if we nv cut the queue..

last night, i climb to my bed bringing with me all the burdens and worries.. lucky still manage to sleep.. think is bcos the prev nite i slept very late, and yesterday morn i woke up very early... but something terrible and scarry happened to me last night..
in the middle of the night, i woke up and i was shock to see that my pillow case is not on my pillow, but is placed near my foot! omg.... did i sleepwalk? i nv had sleepwalk in my life before... this is so frightening! how could a pillowcase juz drop off like that.. my pillow is quite a big one, so its quite tight.. cant be drop off by itself.. someone muz have removed it. it cant be anyone else cos i dun have siblings to play prank on me, and i believe my parents wont be so bo liao doing this in the middle of the night... if i really started sleepwalking, how?

juz saw Mr A online.. and the moment i wanna check him out.. realise he is not online.. muz be he blocking me.. i have never seen him online duration so short one.. hai~meaning this is the first time he is blocking me... tats the end of me.. see how deadly the impact of this tragedy is on me..

Suddenly thot of starting to write a blog.. Y??>>> cos i got myself into a very very big shit today, and think i shld record it down.
today is the 22nd anniversary service at my church. so our youth team is suppose to present an item. the service starts at 9.30am, so we are to reach at 8.30am for the rehearsal. which means that i have to wake up at 7am cos it will take me one hr to travel to church. and so the previous night, Mr A promise he will give me a call in the morn at 715am.. and he did. after taking his call, somehow, i feel very lighthearted, full of joy and happiness.. i feels juz so wonderful to hear his voice the moment i open my eyes. I wanted to share this happiness with Joyce. so i decided to sms her. I typed: "oh.... It's so sweet to hear his voice early in e morning when i open my eyes..... He give me a morn call..... :)" itz 715 in the morn, and i guess i am only 20% awake, the worst thing came to me.... instead of searching for joyce hp, i search Mr A no, and SEND.... and i din realise it.. so i happily prepare myself for church.
he was super super late again, as usual.. despite that he gave us the morn call, he was still late for about 45 mins... then also as usual, I will suan him...
"wah.. u take wat to come? u crawl here ah?"
he replied "i take plane here hor..."
"plane?? hahah crawling plane moving at 20Km/hr is it?? hahha"
and the conversation goes on.. this is juz the normal typical conver we always had..
then during the sermon, I was staring into the air.. Mr A is sitting in juz in front of me.. and some snapshots about smsing him thingy came to my mind... i suddenly rem, cos as he is suppose to call me at 715, however, its already 718, he still haven call... so i was about to send him "oei.. have u wake up..." but when i am sending, he called.. so the msg sending failed.. then after that call, i wrote the happy msg.. and i suddenly rem, at that moment, all i can think of is that the prev sms din get thr.. so muz send one more time.. without thinking what sms i am ACTUALLY SENDING... and thus i send to Mr A... DIE....
thinking that all these muz be my dream.. muz be my illusions... I checked my hp sent msg folder... aarrrrgghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i really sent to him!!!!!!! this is sooooooo pei seh!!!! my heart suddenly pumps very fast.. and my hands turn cold immediately.. i look at him, and i wanted to cry... have been crushing on him for more than a yr.. and so many times i wanted to confess but was held back... and now, without even the least mental preparation, i gave myself away..........
my mind is in a whirl.. dunno what to do.. how am i going to face him?? and the whole morn i muz be a silly gal talking to him.. wonder whats on his mind when talking to me!! arrrrgghhh!!!! the first thing i do is to msg joyce and tell her this tragedy.. hai but this gal seems to be pigging tat time... and finally, i feel i am getting out of control.. i decide tat i shld leave my seat.. and so at the fu tang i saw Roy.. , Mr A's best friend in church... and i went to confide in him.. then after that xinci saw me having a very "sleepy" look.. and ask if i am very sleepy.. and i told her i am very VEX!! and so i told her too, as she all along have been my consultant about matters bet me and Mr A.. well.. both of them plus joyce advise me not to dwelt with it anymore and juz treat it as if nothing have happen.. and xinci even said that she think Mr A shld not be affected too much by it cos its not that he dunno i like him.. ??!!!!! wtf.. he all along knows i like him..and now i am making myself a clown..
hai... but since everyone tell me not to clarify with Mr A regarding this matter.. i shall heed their advice... but my whole day is in darkness.. my hands are icy the whole day.. even under the hot sun........ wonder what will happen to me later when i meet him online.. pray hard

*conclusion for the day: DUN ever send sms when u wake up.......